Dear person I like,

You are definitely the best person I know in every day life. You’re so smart, but despise school and don’t try. You’re a sweetheart, but don’t think that you’re good enough for anyone. You’re so attractive and you don’t even realize it. You may not be perfect… But to me, you are. And I’d kill just to become a good friend of yours. I’ve never wanted to know someone more than I want to know you.

You and me, we’re so different and yet, we’re the same. With almost no mutual friends, it’s hard for me to talk to you. I wish I was more brave than I am… But I’m not. I’ve never felt this way about someone and I’m just really scared okay? My feelings for you throw me off balance.


*In November, a really good friend of mine had been dealing with a lot of stuff. She came to find me one day. It was a Friday. November 2nd. She was in tears after having gone to see the school counsellor. For the first time, it hadn’t helped her at all and she was crying so hard. It was the kind of crying that someone usually does in the privacy of their own room and I didn’t know what to do or say, so I just hugged her. Moments later, she stormed off, mumbling something about wanting to be alone.

I felt horrible. I had this horrible feeling. A feeling that made me so nauseous, I couldn’t sit through the last hour of school. I left math class and sat in a ball in the bathroom trying to ignore what I felt. After school, the feelings persisted. I felt so sick and nothing I did helped. I couldn’t even pretend to act normal in front of my family and friends.

That night, I had a concert. I went to go see Australian Pink Floyd, even if I really didn’t feel up to it. When the show started around 8, my awful feeling miraculously went away. It was a miracle. In the moment, I thought it was the power of concerts or something (which is immense, don’t get me wrong), but this was something else.

I later learnt that, after my friend had walked off, she had decided that she didn’t want to live anymore. Her mom was sick, so she had big quantities of morphine being kept at her house. She had planned to use it to overdose. It was clear in her head that she was going to do this. She was decided.

That’s when “person I like” comes back into the picture. Right before she was going to kill herself, she got a call from him. You see, the boy I like had been through a lot as well and had gotten into the labyrinth of drugs and dealing it. Earlier that week, she had asked him for some pot (in an attempt to make herself feel better) and he had told her that he’d call her so they could meet up for the exchange. So yes, he had called her right before she was planning to off herself, over a matter of marijuana. And for one reason or another, she went to meet him despite everything.

As soon as he saw her, he immediately asked if she was okay. She said yes automatically and he said that she really didn’t look okay and he wouldn’t let it go. Long story short, she spilled her guts out to him. Let me remind you that he was in no way a friend of hers, more like that occasional small talk person. He told her that he’d help her get through this, that he’d been down that road and didn’t want her to go any further… He told her that if she ever wanted to talk or if ever she was having a really horrible day, she could call him and they’d meet up. No matter what time.

He saved her life and in turn, he saved mine. She did not kill herself that night. It would’ve destroyed me if she had, especially when I was the only one who really knew what was going on and I had just started recovering from my depression. He saved me by saving her. I’m forever grateful… With no idea, to this day, on how to really thank him.

My friend is doing so much better now, it’s amazing.*

So, thank you, thank you so much. Maybe someday I’ll tell you just how much you mean to me. Maybe someday we could be good friends or maybe even together. Who knows. All I know is, you’re no longer the person I like, you’re the person I love. And I just wish I could tell you that. I really do.


(This is something I did for tumblr and poured my heart into... I just didn't want to lose it so I'm posting it here).

-Eka

True Colors (Cover) by All Time Low

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IixRFc1Svw4

JULIAAA, I CRIED SO HARD. IT'S PERFECT.

-Eka

lalalala

Its odd...instead of listening to depressing songs I kind unintentionally landed on the happy ones...the song puts me in a better mood and reminds why I haven't just had enough of this crap with mitch

Heart On Fire - lyrics

I'm falling in, I'm falling down
I wanna begin but I don't know how
To let you know, how i'm feeling
I'm high on hope, I'm reeling

And I won't let you go, now you know
I've been crazy for you all this time
Kept it close, always hoping
With a heart on fire
A heart on fire
With a heart on fire
A heart on fire

Hand in hand, sparkling eyes
The days are bright and so are the nights
Cause when i'm with you, I'm grinning
Once I was through, but now i'm winning

No I won't let you go, now you know
I've been crazy for you all this time
I've kept it close, always hoping
With a heart on fire
A heart on fire
With a heart on fire
A heart on fire

...etc etc

Yeah and the songs like Give me Love by Ed Sheeran though I can't totally relate to them there are certain lines...

Give me love like never before,
'cause lately I've been craving more,
And it's been a while but I still feel the same,
Maybe I should let you go,
You know I'll fight my corner,
And that tonight I'll call ya,
After my blood is drowning in alcohol,
No I just wanna hold ya.

Give a little time to me or burn this out,
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,
All I want is the taste that your lips allow,
My, my, my, my, oh give me love,


And I'm kinda in love with Say you like me by We the Kings
I wish my heart was always on her mind.
'Cause she's on mine like all day, all the time.
Forget me not, forget me now.
I’ve come too far to turn around.
I’m here tonight.

'Cause I'm never going down,
I'm never giving up.
I'm never gonna leave,
So put your hands up.
If you like me,
Then say you like me.
I'm never going down,
I'm never giving up.
I'm never gonna leave,
So put your hands up.
If you like me,
Then say you like me.

I can't help it and its so frustrating cause I just wish I didn't feel this way. well I only wish that if its not mutual...

cause I'm never going down, I'm never giving up. I'm never gonna leave. So put your hands up if you like me.

but then I remember all the hurt its causing me and it just plain sucks. cause i dont think he likes me. but i just need to hear it from him so I will  be able to do all that stuff the lyrics claims will never happen.

And I also realized that the beginning of We are never ever getting back together by Taylor Swift if funnily similar to my situation...
I remember when we broke up the first time
Saying, "This is it, I've had enough," 'cause like
We hadn't seen each other in a month
When you said you needed space. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
"Baby, I miss you and I swear I'm gonna change, trust me."
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, "I hate you," we break up, you call me, "I love you."
But I'm still not at the ''we are never ever ever getting back together'' part. I'm still working on that one. Maybe it'll happen faster if I actually SEE him!
haha anyways i do know that I'm really enjoying the song though :) I keep playing We are never ever getting back together and then i play Say you like me. very different but it boosts my mood :P

-Sekoya

I dont know what to call this...

I realize that i should maybe just be taking mitch not trying to communicate with me as a hint that he just doesnt want to be more than friends. I realize that, and I am taking it as that. however I'm not gonna settle for a ''hint''. If he feels that way he should tell it to my face. I know that I need that kind of closure if I want to move on if that is even the case which I think it might be even though I never set anything in stone cause I dont want to make assumptions. I'm really bad at not making assumptions but at least I want to end them by COMMUNICATING with him. I want to understand, i want an explanation, I need something to prove to me that he doesnt want me so I can move on with my life and stop dwelling on this mitch shit. I am not able to settle in my head on an assumption I made off of him not calling I need to talk to himm and hear from him so I can be sure of anything I think
 I'm so frustrated with the conversation I had with him cause it didnt make us move foward. I didnt even get to plan a date to see him! I have to wait it out until sunday and he might not even answer when i call then arg!
-Sekoya

bfdksbnc sdk...SIGH

Well I'm kinda very frustrated at the moment. and vanessa owes me a lollipop cause i bet her that mitch wouldn't have called me over the weekend and guess what? he didnt! i had kinda gotten my hopes up so you guys all know what that does. Usually  i would call one of you guys or zoe or elyse but im just trying to deal with this moment on my own  to see how it goes.

im itching to call one of you but im gonna try to write it out this time and figure it out with out any help.

His Facebook does nothing but cause me more grief cause it makes it so easy for me make assumptions and it also shows me that he's got enough time to go on facebook but for some reason he cant seem to find the time to call me. I dont know what to think of all this but because i have to think of SOMETHING i try to come up with all the possibilities. i see him with girls and i try to figure from the picture if maybe he likes them. im always pleasantly surprised when i find out that the girl is someone else's girlfriend. then i also see these two girls constantly posting pics of them with him and other people and i just come up with all the possibilities because i dont have  ANY information whatsoever cause he doesnt freaking CALL me. I've thought that maybe he met this other girl through friends and now he likes her, so he's avoiding me cause he knows that he led me on. My brain doesn't shut up. Its constantly saying ''maybe this or maybe that'', ''maybe he thinks this or maybe he's thinking that'' And its so pointless cause I can never be sure of anything my over active imagination comes up with but my brain can't help  but come up with stuff cause its not getting any information.

I want to call him. I dont want to call him. i dont know if i should. I am really pissed off but i also feel that the only way to move foward is to see him. its just that im worried that he wont answer and then what? 

I keep eyeing the phone considering...should i call him? but then i just think of calling one of my riends so they can answer the question for me. I want to call him cause i want to see him.I think I'll call him. this would be a huge step if i call him without calling any of you guys first. my heart beat is increasing so i guess thats a sign that im considering it even more than before. I keep on asking my self but ''what if he doesnt answer?'' well i guess ill have to try to find out. but again like i said,   it feels weird to call him without talking to any one else before. i havent even spoken to my sisters. like you guys know i wanted to call him today but usually i call you guys first. o my god just call him already aaaahh okay im gonna do it cause i obviously cant count on him to call me

oh my god please answr please answer

shit my heart is spazzign

its dialeed

now i have to press tlak

shit ahit ahit im freaking out

im trying to calm myself down maybe lost in the echo will help

aaah it kinda is

i love linkin park

Shinoda:
(Yeah) (yo)
You were that foundation
Never gonna be another one, no.
I followed, so taken
So conditioned I could never let go
Then sorrow, then sickness
Then the shock when you flip it on me
So hollow, so vicious
So afraid I couldn't let myself see
That I could never be held
Back up, no, I'll hold myself.
Check the rep, yep you know mine well
Forget the rest, let them know my hell
There and back, yet my soul ain't sell
Keep respect up, the best they fell
Let the the rest be the tale they tell
That I was there saying...

(Chorus)
Chester:
And these promises broken,
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.

Shinoda:
Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y'all go hard, I go smart
How's it working out for y'all in the back, huh?
I've seen that frustration
Been crossed and lost and told no
And I've come back, unshaken
Let down I've lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don't hold back, I hold my own
I can't be mapped, I can't be cloned
I can't C-flat, it aint my tone
I can't fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
Cause I was there saying...

(Chorus)
Chester:
And these promises broken,
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you go!
Go, go, go.

Shinoda:
No, you can tell 'em all now
I don't back up, I don't back down
I don't fold up, and I don't bow
I don't roll over, don't know how
I don't care where the enemies are
Can't be stopped, all I know, Go Hard!
Won't forget how I got this far
And every time, saying...

(Chorus)
Chester:
And these promises broken,
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go. (Go, go, go)

BEST LYRICS EVER

BEST INSTRUMENTAL EVER

COME ON JULIA YOU CAN DO IT!

OKAY i called him! And I just got off the phone with him 

and i havent really gotten anywhere

we spoke for like half an hour but then he had to go cause his friends were gonna be coming over and he had to clean his room and what not and he said that he would call me later. greeeeaaat. *note the sarcasm*  actually im not even sure if he said call or talk

either ill be super happy and he'll call me tomorrow or he will just never call me and then i will do this all over again on sunday

now i will permit myself to call you peoples 

arg

im still stuck

and i dont even feel like calling you guys for reasons unknown to me

i feel like crap

i need to distract myself so lets watch awkward

Awkward was a good distraction

I still feel like crap though, but I'm trying to convince myself to be happy about other stuff

It's odd that I haven't called anyone...except vanessa to tell her she owes me a lollipop but I didn't even talk on the phone for long though it was an option. I don't know why I'm not calling anyone...maybe I'm just wanting to talk to you guys when I'm out  this this moment purely based off emotion. Cause I always call you guys freaking out. maybe if I call you guys after I'm done freaking out I'll feel better about myself. Like proof that I can handle things without immediately calling you guys at the slightest change. I don'T know. but I do know I'm proud that I called im all on my own. 

He's just soooo frustrating and confusing! arg!

-Sekoya

sometimes what you give is what you get

mitchell...again!

so after skyping with erika i was suposed to go to sleep but instead i hid in arieles bathroom and messaged mitch. we just stopped, he wants to see me before we leave im guessing its cause he wants to talk to me about ya know...this can be good or bad news...im leaning towards bad news cause i now know a big reason behind his confusion and the last time he initiated plans it was to tell me he doesnt want to go out with me sooo deja vu dont ya think? anyways  the weekend after he kissed me he was at his friends 18th. i knew this and nadege, arieles sister informed me that she had asked him how it was going with him and me and he said he was confused. okay good. at least its the same story. only thing, later at the party mitch got wasted and confessed his love for this girl sasha that he's liked since highschool. shes dating someone else so didnt even care.he could have just been drunk but still. anyways so i guess hes torn between two girls. one wwho he actually likes and one who likes him. nadeges advice is that i ditch him cause she was in a situation where the guy liked her and another girl and it was very hurtful obviously. she understands though that this is easier said than done cause she didnt ditch the guy she had liked. she gets that giving up when there is still hope is practically impossible when you have feelings for someone. yeeeea. so that sucks... well i dont know what mitchells desicion is or if he even has one but thats whats knew. even in knowlton i cant escape him! im kinda leaning towards no big time but obviously hope never leaves ya! im curious to know what erikas gut tells her...kinda scared though. ouff! mitch has definetly complicated my life or at least made it more exciting!
well im bracing myself but i dont think ill ever be prepared!
-Sekoya

Six Feet Under The Stars

Travel log Friday, July 20th + Saturday, July 21st + Sunday, July 22nd (a lil past midnight) *keep in mind that Japan is 13 hours in advance & Singapore is 12 Montreal, QC  I just had the freak out of my life. I'm dead tired (because I slept less than 3 hours) so I closed my eyes while waiting at our gate for the Toronto flight & when I opened them, I was staring at the back of Felipe's head. Okay, so it wasn't him, but the resemblance from the back was so scary. I shat bricks. I was half asleep so it just shocked me more okayyy. Moka Cookie Crumble frappucino from Starbucks is incredible. It helped me wake up a bit.  - 1h30mins flight to Toronto- I'm such a loser, I made a take off playlist and took selfies in the plane. She Takes Me High by WTK was magical especially when we passed through the clouds... Followed by Six Feet Under The Stars. I'm just sitting here staring at the map on the screen eating pretzels and sipping Sprite thinking about how I really wanna go to Baltimore (home of all time low, Thames street & south broadway) one day... No I am not too obsessed with ATL. Shut up. Hahaha.  Toronto, ON  This guy at Toronto Pearson sounded exactly like the Asian dude from The Hangover. I was dying.  -12h30mins flight to Tokyo- Feels like I'm a minority on this flight, everyone's Japanese!!! Even the announcements are in Japanese first! 21 Jump Street. So fucking funny oh my god. I was dying in the plane. "But you brought us taco bell man." HAHAHA. And his voice cracks while saying it. Omg, replayed that part 6 times!!!! Super courteous Asian dude my age let me go to the bathroom first even if we got there at the same time, very nice of him. He was cute. 500 Days Of Summer<3... I find I'm like the main character :p a bit too much.. High School Musical. In a plane. How cool am I. Don't act like you don't know the words to the songs hahaha. Sang along the whole time..... Fell asleep for 30mins at the end of HSM & now I can't sleep anymore:( AND I keep farting:( lololol sad times. The airplane food isn't agreeing with me maybe? The Fault In Our Stars by John Green is fucking amazing so far. Quotes I like and felt like writing down: "Pain demands to be felt." "Sometimes people don't understand the promises they're making when they make them." "The weird thing about houses is that they almost always look like nothing is happening inside of them, even though they contain most of our lives. I wondered if that was sort of the point of architecture." I desperately wish for a plot twist like Augustus Waters ( boy in the book) in my life.... But I guess it'd only be fair if I were dying from terminal cancer.. Dammit! "Oh, I wouldn't mind, Hazel Grace. It would be a privilege to have my heart broken by you." crying omfg.  Tokyo, Japan  Um. Well, the flight here was really fun & passed by pretty fast! About 12 & a half hours down, about 6 & a half to go.. I think this flight to Sing is going to be a lot harder for me. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep & I've been up for almost 18hours now or something... Ahhhh. Going insane because it's afternoon here now. Anyway, I took a piss in Japan. Oh yes. I also bought a Japanese lemon drink & Japanese Hershey's. The chocolate is spicy.... Something is so wrong here. They've heated this airport and I am currently dying omg whyyyy. It's fucking hot. I'm gonna sleep at the gate for a bit, my head kills. Everyone's Asian, that's when you know you're not in Canada anymore. Ahajsisnd my head.  -6h30mins flight to Singapore- Boarded. This plane is a lot smaller, less leg room... That's just great ain't it? When I wanna sleep, suddenly the plane is so uncomfortable. Great. I read a bit. Couldnt stop moving to try to get comfortable, it was ridiculous. Finally passed out for a few hours with the help of my blanket, blindfold, ear plugs & head wrap around thing. Woke up. Accidentally made the decision to take meal A which is a Japanese meal... Little did we know that meal B was a hamburger! Wtf, it had some Japanese name on the menu & the jap one said shrimp with rice... It was horrible okay. The shrimp had EYES , their was some sort of fish egg in my plate and the noodles were so bad. I feel sick with it in front of me. Ugh , only thing that was good was the miso soup. That, tasted like back at home!  Anyway, I couldn't stop falling in and out of sleep and I swear, when you go on long plane rides, the amount of times I have to go take a piss is embarrassing! I mean, I don't know what it is, but the plane makes me pee more haha. I slept through the landing, I was out cold. My mom had to shake me awake! Singapore, Singapore Dead. Tired. Holy shit, I have never felt this tired in my whole entire life. Good thing it's midnight here now though, or else I'd have very very bad jetlag. Singapore customs go really fast, they're really organized so we were outta there really quick! I like it here already, I don't know. My aunt & Carl came to pick us up & we drove to their condo. We got to drive through the heart of Singapore, there's this giant ferris wheel in the middle of the city, the biggest I've ever seen & it was all lit up. So pretty. It was like I was high because I was so tired, everything was like whoaaa. The streets are so flawless, no pot holes & it's so clean here, no litter on the ground AT ALL. It's extremely illegal to litter. I find that great! Distribution of gum is also illegal here, but you're aloud to possess and have for personal use as long as you dispose of it properly! They act as if it's a drug here, frowned upon. Hahaha, love how different it is here, so much nicer than Montreal just because it's so pretty to look at no matter where you are<3 I got introduced to my room, which I adore , BY TH E WAY. It's my own and it's small and cozy and I have a nice sofa bed that's the comfiest sofa bed ever. I have access to the balcony from my room as well! And nobody can tell if I go out on it in the middle of the night, it makes no noise at all (so no one will hear me go out) and it's such a nice view. I took a shower and it was one of those rain showers, so awesome. I read The Fault In Our Stars & passed out a few chapters before the end... I could get used to this :) Love always, Eka

i dont know what to do!

hahaha at the moment my issue is trying to figure out  whether or not I should go to sleep cause I have to get up in 3 hours...
thats all! nothing more nothing less, nothing to do with mitchell! haha
See ya!
-Sekoya
P.S. sorry for this random useless post...:P

interesting evening...

So I met up with Mitchell...
we biked down to Pointe-Claire village and walked down to the water where we started skipping stones. We talked...as usual its not very hard for me to hold a conversation with him. We also made an inukshuk that was funny. However i was not able to make myself  bring up the ''topic''. At like 8:30 we headed over on our bikes to his friends house. christopher
Christopher was nice and weird which made him pretty awesome. I didnt feel weird at all. Obviously when they would talk about the stupid stuff they did i would have as much to say cause my experiences would me kinda tame compared to falling off of moving trucks....hehe yeah
guys when they hang out eat  A LOT
i drank soooo much i had a big glass of water, then we made really weird lemonade with brown sugar...hehe and they later made themselves chicken sandwhiches, and then we made an apple drink, like grinded up apples with apple cider...weird also hehe
i had to go pee twice :P
around 11:20 we went on out bikes and they were gonna go see if i could get into clydes (a bar) but inn the end we didnt even try cause there were two bouncers at the doors
in the end we parted with christopher and me and mitchell headed home
when we got to my house i said:
''Um I kinda wanted to talk to you...but we could always just talk next time we see eachother''
''About what exactly...?'' he asked
''Um well pretty much about last week cause it's still not clear to me...'' I admitted
''Well I have time now'' he said
So I asked him just to be clear that it was that he doesnt think i could have a serious relationship it being my first. and he was like yeah cause hes gone out with girls whom it was their first relationship and...yeah
so i told him what i wanted to say i thought it was funny when i asked him
''If your not interested you just tell me and that'll be that''
''Oh believe me I am, I am interested'' he said
haha okaaay
I also mentioned
''Yeah you also wouldn't be able to move very quickly with me...''
''Yeah that is also a big factor'' he admmitted
BAM emily said no guy would ever admit that
well she has just been proven wrong!
I also told him
''I just want you to know what I think. I don't think I'll change your mind. I just wanted to say what I thought cause I didnt last time cause i was kinda shocked yea know''
''Well I'll think about'' he said
He said a lot that he is really confused and stupid
and that he's really confused hehe
''I'm really bad at girl stuff...'' he admitted
''Haha don't worry about it! I'm new to all this as you know so you could get away with pretty much everything!'' i said
He laughed :)
I asked him what his definition of a serious relationship after having said mine and he agreed with mine
The whole time I would talk he would say thngs like ''fair point'' and ''True true''
i told him how i think a first relationship can be a serious relationship. i mentioned how my sisters current boyfriends are their first hehe
and hoow i dont think you can know that about a person after having hung out with them like 4 times
how i dont even know myself if it would work and thats what i was trying to do. i like what im seeing and i want to see more. I'm just trying to get to know him
well anyways, i will be seeing him next week and  he'll be giving me linkin park songs on a usb
well it still very weird and obviously i still like him but ill just go with it for now. i still wanna hang out with him so i guess ill see how it goes...all of this cause the guys confused!
-Sekoya